Hello World!!!

Well I had my second chemotherapy treatment yesterday. It wasn’t bad. There are two other women there that have chemo the same day and time that I do. I usually sit with them and listen to them compare notes about treatment, surgery (bi-lateral or double mastectomy), kids, family, etc. They have their husbands with them  at each treatment. I wish my husband could come. It’s so nice to have that support. My dad has offered to go with me. There are several people that have volunteered to come and sit with me and I politely decline. I drive myself there and home. That being said, the one person I want there can’t be there. He has to work and I get that. However, there is something very powerful, very reassuring about having the man you’ve pledged your life to before God being there. I want him there with me. Being my support system. My rock while they are pumping my body full of poison. It’s unrealistic. We don’t work we don’t eat. It’s just when I see them pulling out their food, picnic baskets full of fresh fruit, healthy drinks I get nostalgic and a little jealous. One of the women got cramps in her leg and her husband quickly massaged her legs and tried to make her as comfortable as possible. It was very very sweet. I guess if I got cramps one of the nurses would help me. Lol! Yesterday I met an incredible woman while I was taking treatment. She was from Italy. I told her I had been there and told her what cities I visited. She told me they were the basic tourist towns. Rome, Florence and Venice. She has ovarian cancer. It’s obviously not as prevalent as breast cancer. In fact, she told me she knew no one with ovarian cancer. I asked her a little about her experience and she told me she is in constant pain. Her stomach was very bloated. Almost like she was pregnant. She kept moving around because she could not get comfortable. I felt terrible for her. The nurses were trying to get and keep her as comfortable as possible. It was almost as if she has lost hope. That is one of my biggest fears. Losing hope. I hope I never get to that point. Sometimes aside from God it’s all we have to keep going in this cruel and sin filled world. OAN: My in-laws are in town. I love them to pieces and am very glad they are here. They always brighten up my day and my spirits. Well, I cleaned my house from top to bottom to get ready for their visit (they’re staying with us) and I am a bit tired. Don’t worry. I’m in bed and resting. Like an 80 year old woman! 🙂 Till next time. Kiss and hug your loved ones. Tell them how much you love and appreciate them. You never know if the last words you say to them will be the last words they hear from you forever! Bye!


My First Post

So this is my first post. I’ve been home all day. I had chemotherapy on Friday 2/15 and this  round has made me very very tired. I have no idea why. I guess the therapy is catching up with my body. This is my 5th go round with chemotherapy. It’s very trying on your mind, body and soul. I do the best I can with what I have but it’s difficult. Sometimes I seriously want to give up. Not just on my illness but life in general. I’m tired of always having bad news. The cancer has come back. The cancer has spread. More posion needs to go into your body to keep you alive. I feel like no one understands the trials and tribulations I go through. Truthfully, no one does understand. I think people underestimate life and how truly blessed they are. Especially if you are healthy. Life and health is taken for granted. People go through life every day and never think about the future or their immortality. I think about it daily. It’s constantly thrown in my face. I go to the doctor’s all the time. I haven’t been able to work due to my body literally failing me. I try to tell people please don’t take life for granted. Enjoy every moment you have with your spouse, family, friends, etc because you never know when it will be your last. I am newly married. My husband is wonderful but truth be told even he doesn’t understand the personal struggle I go through. To him it’s excuses. I do understand where he is coming from because sometimes I do use my illness as a crutch. It’s like the boy who cried wolf. It’s like I’ve cried wolf so many times when I do feel bad or feel like crap it’s hard to believe. It’s difficult. Marriage itself is difficult. Now put a debilitating potentially life threatening illness on top of that and imagine the weight it puts on our marriage. I love my husband and I love being married. I tell people it’s like having a built in best friend. I always have someone to come home to and someone to always have my back. He is literally the most important person in my life. I adore him. He is my everything. If he decided to leave tomorrow because he couldn’t handle the severity of my illness I wouldn’t blame him. When we said our vows I started crying when the judge said “in sickness and in health” because I had already been so sick. He saw me struggling for breath and not being able to lie down. I couldn’t breathe. I had to sleep upright and when I was in the hospital I slept on the food tray. That was the only way I could get comfortable and not feel as if every breath I took was in vain. I found that my heart was failing. I had heart failure. It was devastating. Eventually it was a blessing because I found out what was wrong with me. It wasn’t just the cancer invading my lungs. That was part of it but it was also my heart beating 3x what the normal bpm it should be. My heart was working so fast it was working itself to death. I was near death. My doctor told me when I first went in the hospital 7/13/12 and subsequent weeks after that he gave me 8-12 months to live. I am a strong woman. I am a fighter. My husband and my family especially my girls give me reason to fight. When Alivia saw me in the hospital the first time she was so sad I burst into tears. My mom thought it would help me and give me cheer but instead it was heartbreaking. I love them with all my heart. I am so happy that I have those two little girls to keep me going. Alivia has been with me since I relapsed in 2005. I found out Montoya was pregnant when I was going through chemo. When she was born I was living in Austin and when I met her @ one week old I knew I would love her forever. When I relapsed in 2008 my mom was keeping her and she would come to chemo with me, stand in the doorway to the chemo room and cry because she couldn’t phsyically be with me. She’s the best. Natallie is an extraordinary little girl with the biggest dimples and a true rebel. She’s always making us laugh with her bad self. They are fantastic. I adore them both. Alivia Jae Leanette Rainey and Natallie Jade Rainey. The best girls in the world. I think this is a good place to stop. I’m tired but grateful to this blog and the people who read it. 🙂