I’ve been holding out on writing for a specific reason…………..

I only had 3 chemo sessions left when I took my four-week break 2 weeks ago 5/17 (I do chemo 3 weeks straight and then I get a week off). My doctor started ordering tests to check on the progress (or lack there of) of my cancer. I had my PET SCAN, which detects cancer cells, my CAT SCAN which checks my abdomen/liver for abnormalities, and my MRI which looks specifically at the cancer that has spread to my liver. Some people wonder if I have liver cancer or lung cancer because my cancer had spread to both my lungs and my liver. The answer is no. I have breast cancer that has spread to other parts of my body. Due to chemotherapy, the cancer in my lungs cleared up. There is no evidence of cancer in my lungs. In November 2012 I was declared cancer free. There was no evidence of cancer in my body.  It was a true blessing. My family and I were THRILLED! In February or March the cancer was back in my liver. It is very small and it didn’t show up on the cancer specific PET SCAN. The only way it was detected was through a MRI of my abdomen. So I went through 9 more weeks of chemotherapy. Today my doctor and I went over the results. Today was my day. I had taken all the tests. I felt great. I’ve kept my weight down. Everyone who means anyone to me has prayed and prayed for me. I walked into my doctor’s office happy and confident. No more chemo for this gal! I was going to take a daily pill to keep my cancer at bay and this whole chemo/cancer thing would be a distant painful memory. PET SCAN looked GREAT! CAT SCAN looked GREAT! MRI,,,,,,,,,,,,,,umm we found something. What?!?!??! What?????????????? My doctor told me while most of the tumors (and there are a lot of small tumors on my liver) had shrunk because of the chemotherapy, two had actually grew. TWO! One grew 1 mm which my doctor was okay with because the growth was so small. The other grew like 3-4 mm. This was a cause of concern for him. He decided 3 more months of chemo. I was stunned! STUNNED!! I’m like “what did he just say???” I had planned on skipping out of that doctor’s appointment cancer free and most importantly chemo free. I ran into one of my chemo buddies this morning when I went to my CAT SCAN. She is done with chemo. She’s still doing radiation and a treatment called herceptin but she’s finished with the bad stuff. No more getting sick. Your hair gets to grow back. Your life finally comes back into view. I wanted that soooooooooooooo bad. I KNEW I was getting my happy ending and it started TODAY! Welp, that didn’t happen. I was completely devastated. I cried and cried. My wonderful mom was with me, thank God! She was strong and hopeful and full of faith. 12 more weeks of chemotherapy? When I first heard the news the first words out of my mouth were “NO!” I’ve done enough. I’ve had enough. It’s been almost a full year since I have started this rodeo and I am leaving the stadium. I can’t do it. I won’t. It’s so emotionally draining. I get so tired so easily. I don’t feel like a human being. I draw in my eyebrows like Mexicans in 1997-2001 (sorry guys but you know it’s true! :)) I have no hair and what I do have is splotchy and uneven. I JUST WANTED THIS TO BE OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! Alas, I digress. It isn’t over. It’s just starting all over again. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I walked through that tunnel all the way to the end and then had to turn around and start again at the beginning. Frustration doesn’t even to begin to portray how I feel. I take one step forward and three steps back. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t. I’m doing this for my husband and my family. I’m not doing this for me. I think I should just live my life and let God do the rest. Put everything in his hands. What will be will be. My family would be crushed if I made that choice. I can’t live for them but they don’t want to live without me. Oh what a tangled web we weave. So next Friday @ 1:00 I start the routine I’ve had on and off since 2006. Actually, if I want to be politically correct that would be since 94. I’m tired. I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m sad. Most of all I’m pissed off that I can’t seem to catch a break. Due to one little tumor that grew I’m going through 12 more weeks of HELL! Truthfully, the therapy isn’t that bad. I just want to look more like a woman than an alien. I HATE wearing head scarfs. That’s not true. I actually love my scarves and I have some seriously beautiful ones. I’m just fed up with being so darn disappointed and let down. We did get good news today. The cancer hasn’t spread anywhere else. I’m relatively healthy and I of course have my amazing husband, son, family and friends. I don’t mean to be Debbie Downer. I did just get the news today and I’m still reeling from the results. Please, please, please please keep me uplifted in prayer. I really need it. While I was steady discussing myself I forgot to add my dear and wonderful husband lost one of his good friends to random unnecessary violence last weekend. His friend and his friend’s brother were shot in a nightclub in Dallas. They are from Ruston, LA but moved to Dallas. Due to a very selfish and cruel individual two people who mean so much to so many have now been laid to rest for all eternity. Please pray for the Ferguson family for their unfathomable loss. This family will be burying their two brothers/sons/cousins/uncles, nephews,etc in a double casket funeral. It truly breaks my heart into a million little pieces and makes me so blessed and grateful for the life I do have. God Bless. Hug and Kiss the ones you love because you NEVER know when it will be your last! 🙂

Down But Not Yet Out,

Crystal

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5 thoughts on “I’ve been holding out on writing for a specific reason…………..

  1. Crystal u have always been a STRONG & BEAUTIFUL woman. Ur courage and faith r unwavering. U WILL make it through this. GOD will NEVER put more on u than u can bear. I love u sis and I will always keep u in my prayers!

  2. Crystal I knew your Mom and the whole family while in Montclair, NJ, I couldn’t help but to shed tears as I read your blog I will be spreading the word for your prayer request dear. You hold on dear help is on the way you just hold on. I Thank God You are in A praying and God fearing, loving family that knows God is able.

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