My First Post

So this is my first post. I’ve been home all day. I had chemotherapy on Friday 2/15 and this  round has made me very very tired. I have no idea why. I guess the therapy is catching up with my body. This is my 5th go round with chemotherapy. It’s very trying on your mind, body and soul. I do the best I can with what I have but it’s difficult. Sometimes I seriously want to give up. Not just on my illness but life in general. I’m tired of always having bad news. The cancer has come back. The cancer has spread. More posion needs to go into your body to keep you alive. I feel like no one understands the trials and tribulations I go through. Truthfully, no one does understand. I think people underestimate life and how truly blessed they are. Especially if you are healthy. Life and health is taken for granted. People go through life every day and never think about the future or their immortality. I think about it daily. It’s constantly thrown in my face. I go to the doctor’s all the time. I haven’t been able to work due to my body literally failing me. I try to tell people please don’t take life for granted. Enjoy every moment you have with your spouse, family, friends, etc because you never know when it will be your last. I am newly married. My husband is wonderful but truth be told even he doesn’t understand the personal struggle I go through. To him it’s excuses. I do understand where he is coming from because sometimes I do use my illness as a crutch. It’s like the boy who cried wolf. It’s like I’ve cried wolf so many times when I do feel bad or feel like crap it’s hard to believe. It’s difficult. Marriage itself is difficult. Now put a debilitating potentially life threatening illness on top of that and imagine the weight it puts on our marriage. I love my husband and I love being married. I tell people it’s like having a built in best friend. I always have someone to come home to and someone to always have my back. He is literally the most important person in my life. I adore him. He is my everything. If he decided to leave tomorrow because he couldn’t handle the severity of my illness I wouldn’t blame him. When we said our vows I started crying when the judge said “in sickness and in health” because I had already been so sick. He saw me struggling for breath and not being able to lie down. I couldn’t breathe. I had to sleep upright and when I was in the hospital I slept on the food tray. That was the only way I could get comfortable and not feel as if every breath I took was in vain. I found that my heart was failing. I had heart failure. It was devastating. Eventually it was a blessing because I found out what was wrong with me. It wasn’t just the cancer invading my lungs. That was part of it but it was also my heart beating 3x what the normal bpm it should be. My heart was working so fast it was working itself to death. I was near death. My doctor told me when I first went in the hospital 7/13/12 and subsequent weeks after that he gave me 8-12 months to live. I am a strong woman. I am a fighter. My husband and my family especially my girls give me reason to fight. When Alivia saw me in the hospital the first time she was so sad I burst into tears. My mom thought it would help me and give me cheer but instead it was heartbreaking. I love them with all my heart. I am so happy that I have those two little girls to keep me going. Alivia has been with me since I relapsed in 2005. I found out Montoya was pregnant when I was going through chemo. When she was born I was living in Austin and when I met her @ one week old I knew I would love her forever. When I relapsed in 2008 my mom was keeping her and she would come to chemo with me, stand in the doorway to the chemo room and cry because she couldn’t phsyically be with me. She’s the best. Natallie is an extraordinary little girl with the biggest dimples and a true rebel. She’s always making us laugh with her bad self. They are fantastic. I adore them both. Alivia Jae Leanette Rainey and Natallie Jade Rainey. The best girls in the world. I think this is a good place to stop. I’m tired but grateful to this blog and the people who read it. 🙂

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13 thoughts on “My First Post

  1. Your amazing!! ur strength is incrediable!!! a walking testimony of faith. y God chose u no one knows but when He made u, He mad u stronger then most…. praying for u!!! Love u

  2. I’ll never say I understand your trials, but I’ll always lend a shoulder, words of encouragement, or moment of silence when you just need to vent. Call, text, FB anytime!

  3. Crystal,
    This blog has taken me through an emotional rollercoaster because of the things that my Mom would tell me. It has also given me a lot of peace stemming from my loss. You are inspiring to say the least. You said a lot of meaningful things in your post and we as “seemingly healthy” people, do take life for granted. Reality sets in when it happens to people close to us and people as yourself that are willing to try and express how the struggle takes hold of you. When we were in school, Chaid shared with me that you had once been ill as a youth but to see you go through high school being so positive and upbeat was warming. When my Mom started battling her cancer, I would see her go from a truly visibly healthy woman, full of life and energy to being on her back and totally out of it for 3-4 days. That was heart breaking and to hear that you are experiencing the same things, make my heart ache for you. I’m truly sorry that you are facing these trials in life but thankful that you devote your heart to God. My Mom spoke very highly of you all the time and told me that she wanted me to be closer to you and I think that was based mainly on spiritually and for understanding of what she was experiencing at the time. Not only did you know the struggle, we were the same age so she felt that if there was anyone that could help me to understand, it would have been you. I know that I dont see you often, but please call me or e-mail me if you ever need anything or if you just want someone to talk to. As you said in your post, marriage is a struggle and husbands are sometimes not understanding because that is there nature but you know that your husband loves you because if not, he would not have taken on the task knowing your situation. So not only will I be praying for your health but for your marriage as well. I sometimes visit my Mom’s grave and even just thoughts of her and ask “why” but I also think about the fact that my Mom was a beautiful whole-hearted Christian woman that knew God and his power and strength. So with that all in mind, I’m comforted in knowing that I my Mom prayed and spoke to God regularly and through those conversations, I know she asked God to do what was best for her and was confident in whatever decision that he made for her. I know she was tired of looking and feeling healthy to only find out that she will ill and that cancer had taken over her body. I know that was devasting for her. She was a strong woman and to see her in tears from lack of understanding, tore me to peices. Crystal, I admire your strength and courage and I encourage you to stay prayerful, keep the faith and to keep fighting! I’m here for you because you are not only a friend, but an inspiration to my life! I love you!

    • Thank you for that. Your mom was such an inspiration to so many people including me. I think of her often. It is because of me that I try not to put off tomorrow what you can do today. I had meant to go see her and I never had the opportunity. Or more like I never took the opportunity. Then, like a vapor she was gone and I never got to say hello or goodbye. One time, she and I talked for over an hour about how she met Bro. Cisneros, you, the kids, Chaid. It was like catching up with an old friend which is was because I’ve known her since the summer before 10th grade. I miss her and I know you miss her. However, we both will have incredible memories of her (rem prom??). She NEVER let me forget that. I love you too and I will def take you up on your offer. Just don’t press ignore when a number you don’t recognize comes up on your phone. Ha ha! I’ll leave a msg. Here is my # so you don’t have to: 972-898-7411. Love ya! :)))

  4. what an awesome blog cousin….ur right we have no idea sometimes just how precious these moments are in life. i love you and am so thankful to have such a loving, caring, big hearted, fearless, divafied cousin like you! i look forward to seeing where this blog takes you on this journey in your life.

    • Awww!!! My very first friend. I love you cousin. I know you got my back and you KNOW I got yours!!! We have pictures of you holding me when you were like 6 months old. You were the baby at my parents first married christmas. I loooove youuuuu!!! Thanks for the love and the feedback! 🙂

  5. I really had mix emotions reading this blog. Wow! O’ What PRAISE I give to the Father in Heaven. Crystal, I felt like you were saying goodbye, hello, do you hear me, warning, love, praise and gratefulness. Thank you for this. My spirits have been lifted. May God continue to use you, even when we feel different. Love you more today than I ever have.

    Krystal Roselle

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