Hey All!

It’s been over two months since my last post. I need to do better. I’m trying to get the word out about my blog. I can’t do that if I never write on it! Anyway, let me tell you what’s been up with me. I’ve now done about 24 rounds of chemo since like Feb 2013. As you know from my last post, the cancer wasn’t all gone. Back then, I had just finished 12 rounds of chemo. Since then, I’ve done 12 MORE rounds of chemotherapy. It’s been difficult to accept. I had tons of questions; Was it really necessary? Will this be it? Why me? Thankfully, I got through it. We re-did my scans and got the results. Those results were kind of the same as the other results. The cancer is not gone. There are still multiple legions on my liver. It’s funny (not ha ha funny) lol, after my first 12 rounds of chemotherapy the cancer in my lungs COMPLETELY cleared up. There was A LOT of disease in my lungs, then poof (well not poof, GOD) it was gone. For some reason the liver just doesn’t want to cooperate. It’s depressing and sad. I just don’t understand it. The legions are very tiny. There are a lot of them though. I’m not a candidate for radiation. There are too many cancer cells on my liver and they are very tiny. I’m trying to be strong and positive but it gets tough. Especially since I know so many people who have succumbed to this HORRIBLE disease. I wonder “am I next?” What quality of life will I have? Will I be on lifelong chemotherapy? Is that what I want? What do I want? So many questions and not many answers. Since the cancer has remained stable, my doctor thought it to be a good time to take a break from therapy. Too much chemotherapy can have an adverse affect on your body. Frankly, it just isn’t good for you. How can it be? Pumping your body full of toxins that kill not only the bad (cancer) cells but your good cells too (hair, fingernails, white blood cells, red blood cells, etc). The break has been nice. Especially since I only work a 4 day work week (he he). Friday’s are my day to RELAX and ENJOY LIFE!!! That is JUST WHAT I DO TOO! 🙂 That being said, with the break comes worry. I am no longer taking treatment. Are the cancer cells growing? When we do our scans in 4 months will the cancer invade every orifice of my body? I am on an oral pill that slows the growth of breast cancer cells. My question is: is that enough? I have talked this over with my doctor and his answer is yes. Obviously it’s yes or I would still be taking chemotherapy. I am currently enjoying life and taking it one day at a time. A smart, wonderful, incredible, amazing (yes, you Aunt Susan) woman once told me “when you are having a great day, enjoy that moment. Savor that moment and most of all remember that moment.” Life will not always be sunshine and rainbows. When you do have those days, embrace them. That way, when you are having a not so good day you can reflect back to that day, that moment and remember how you felt. I am taking the milliseconds of my life in stride. I refuse to let myself to wallow in worry, pity and self-doubt. I’m 30 years old, I have a FANTASTIC husband, AMAZING family, and BLESSINGS as friends. Nothing can get me down. Not even cancer! 🙂 I am living in the here and now and enjoying EVERY SECOND! Till next time……….hug and kiss the ones you love. Tell them how much they mean to you. Never go one day without someone knowing how much they mean to you or how much you care. You NEVER know when it will be your last! Love you! Mwah! 🙂

1 Year Anniversary

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my cancer returning. On this day, I am going to tell you exactly how I got here. I explained a lot in my very first post on this blog. I’m going to piggyback off of that post but get much more detailed. I hope you guys don’t mind! 🙂 In October 2011 I got pneumonia. I went to the hospital. I was treated and released. In November 2011 I met my future husband. Very important fact!!! 🙂 Continuing on….In February 2012 I got pneumonia for the second time. I again went to the hospital, was treated and released. Around March or April 2012 I had a cough I could not get rid of. It sounded sort of like a whooping-cough. I had been to the ER several times, and to my primary care physician multiple times, and each time they told me something different. It was bronchitis. My asthma was acting up due to the weather. Basically, the problems I was having were related to those two things. The ER or my primary care would treat what they thought was the case and send me home. While I was going through all this, I remembered reading about a friend’s mom going through something similar. Her mom was continuously going back and forth to the ER with the same symptoms. They would treat her issue and send her home. On her third and final trip they found fluid in her lungs. They drained the fluid and sadly found lung cancer. I also remembered my friend Raymond went through the same thing until they finally found his cancer. I always refered back to those stories. I knew this was serious. Finally, I made ANOTHER appointment to see my primary care doctor. He was out of the office so they sent me to another doctor associated with the practice. She took a look at my lungs and agreed they sounded abnormal. She sent me to a specialist, a pulmonologist (lung doctor) named Dr. Lilly. It took me a full month to see him but once I did things happened very fast. He sent me to get a chest x-ray which finally showed fluid on my lungs. Every other x-ray I had gotten thus far had been normal. He decided to do a needle biopsy to test the fluid on my lungs and one more procedure. The other procedure (I forgot the name) sucked all the fluid off my lungs so they could biopsy it. I waited like a week for the results. Dr. Lilly called me on this day 7/13/12. When I woke up that morning I said to myself “It’s Friday the 13th.” “What if something bad happens?” I quickly shot down that thought. I am not superstitious at all. Well, maybe a little. Especially when it involves a black cat crossing in front of me. Lol! Anyway, he was on vacation. I could hear his children playing in the background. Hindsight is 20/20. A doctor calling you on his vacation to tell you the results of your tests can’t be good. However, I still had hope he was calling me with good news. At this point, I am pulling into the parking garage at another doctor’s office in Downtown Baylor with my husband D. Dr. Lilly tells me the fluid that was tested has come back positive for cancer. I was STUNNED. I mean, all the wind had been knocked out of me. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I was devastated. No, devastated isn’t even a word big enough for what I was feeling. I was BROKEN. My entire body BROKE! That being said, I had to go see my other doctor Dr. John O’Connor for my check up. A little background info on him: I relapsed (the cancer returned) in 2008 (as you can see I’ve been back and forth on this carousel ride for quite a while). The oncologist I had at the time told me the cancer had spread to my liver. There was a tumor on my liver. My doctor gave me four rounds of chemotherapy. It was doing NOTHING to kill the tumor. Hell, it wasn’t even putting a dent in the tumor. My mother was very unhappy with the way things were playing out. She said she saw my doctor actually scratching his head in confusion. He was stumped as to what his next step was. Smh. Mom eventually took me to Texas Oncology at Baylor Plano (which is where I am to this day). I met with a doctor named Dr. Rao. She was an amazing doctor. Very knowledgable. By the time we got in to see her she had read my entire medical record. As you can probably guess, it’s quite large. Lol! Mom and I were so impressed that she knew my whole medical history despite getting my records less than a week before my appointment. Dr. Rao suggested that since the cancer wasn’t responding to chemo we should try radiation. THAT is how I met Dr. O’Connor. He is a radio-surgery specialist (radiologist). I believe I had 4-6 rounds of radiation. The tumor had been killed. It was dead. That was a HUGE victory in my fight. We were so happy and I was deemed “in remission.” After that I went in every 3 months for an MRI (machine that looks for abnormal cells/cancer cells) of my liver. Then, because I was doing so well it moved to every 6 months. It is now July 13th, 2012. Dr. Rao moved to Texas Oncology McKinney about maybe 3 years prior. I decided to stay at Texas Oncology Baylor Plano. I got a new doctor. Dr. Kavoor. He and I have been together ever since. I was still seeing Dr. O’Connor though. He didn’t change. Anywayssss……… I’m on my way to get my MRI and visit Dr. O’Connor. I get my MRI first and then go see Dr. O’Connor to find out/discuss my results. I had planned to talk to him about going from seeing him every 6 months to once a year. I hadn’t had any problems in 4 years. I’m good! Or so I thought…….. While I was getting my MRI I kept bursting into tears. Thinking about the news Dr. Lily (the pulmonologist) had given me sent me into a tailspin. I would be okay for a few minutes and then………waterworks. I go into the office and sit in one of the exams rooms. I’m talking to his medical assistant, Brittany, telling her about my recent or “that day” diagnosis. She, D, and I were very sad. She went to tell Dr. O so we could talk about if after he checked the results of my MRI. Dr. O comes in and he says “I’m sorry to tell you this BUT the cancer has returned in your liver.” At this point I swear I am suicidal. I think I was looking at windows wondering how hard I would have to run in order to break the glass and end it all. I’m like whatttt?!?!?!?!? My liver hasbeen clear for FOUR YEARS. He acknowledged that, but, he said these things just happen. I could NOT BELIEVE IT! I asked him if we would be able to do radio-surgery/radiation again? He informs me that isn’t an option. In 2008 there was one tumor in my liver. Since it was in only one spot they were able to kill it with radiation. This time there were multiple legions all over my liver. Radiation would not help me this time. I KNEW KNEW KNEW I was going to die. I KNEW that if the cancer spreads anywhere it’s automatically stage four. People just don’t come back from that. 2008 was different. We were only dealing with a singular spot. The doctors were able to treat the tumor and put me back into remission. This was different. It was now in multiple places. It was in my lungs AND liver AND in multiple spots in both. I was DONE!!!! I was FINISHED. I am hanging up my coat and saying my goodbyes. I vowed to die in peace surrounded by all my family and friends. D tried so hard to comfort me. All I wanted was my mom and dad. After my doctor’s appointment I went to their house and I was beside myself. My mom said the typical quote (well typical for me anyway). Ha ha! She says “We will beat this!!!” I did not believe her. My dad was heartbroken. My mom is stong. Her only thought is “We will get through this.” “We just have to figure out how.” “My daughter will beat this.” Her most important quote, “I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!” If you know my mom her determination is awe-inspiring. She is my hero. Both my parents are my Hero. They are my whole world. Strong isn’t even the correct word to describe either one of them. More like, THE HULK! Lol! About a week later we met with Dr. Kavoor to go over my treatment plan. My body responds well to chemo. I had hope, albeit a small hope, but hope none the same. It was going to be a hard, uphill battle. At that time everything was wait and see. We were living on a prayer. We were begging God to spare my life. All that was left to do was take the chemotherapy he had picked for me and go from there……….

*****Tune in to my next post as I describe my first chemo treatment and the chaos that ensued after******

 

Make sure you are loving, kissing and appreciating the people who mean most to you. Just people in general. You NEVER know when you won’t be able to tell them those famous words that mean so much. Love you guys and thanks for reading and the continued support! 🙂

Over A Month……………………..

It has been over a month since my last post. I apologize to all my readers (all 5 of them) ha ha that I have been MIA. So much has happened to me in the last month. First things first, around the first of June I started to have trouble with blood in my urine. I told my doctor. He tested it and didn’t find anything amiss. He sent me to a urologist. The urologist did a throuough exam (including sticking a monitor up my urethra “pee hole”) and found nothing. The bleeding eventulally got better. I was relieved because to see that is very scary. THEN, the blood came back. It was worse than it ever was. They tested my urine again and found it was almost all blood. There was very little urine in my urine. Can you imagine that? I’m PRETTY that isn’t supposed to happen. Blood coming out instead of the normal stuff is scary. I was sooooo scared. Truth be told, I thought it was cancer. Bladder cancer to be exact. I figured “well, I’ve fought longer than most people could ever ask for.” If it’s my time then I’m okay with that. The doctor tested my “sample” again and again, nothing out of the ordinary. I went to see my urologist again and he finally found something. My right kidney was bleeding. That is what was causing all the fuss. When the doctor told me that I was grinning from ear to ear. I’m sure I looked like a complete freak. You tell your patient that her kidney is bleeding and she is smiling from ear to ear. I was happy though. I explained to him that I had been dealing with this for over 2 wks. To finally have an explanation is a blessing. The reason my kidney was bleeding is because I was taking a speciific medication to prevent blood clots. It worked but my body was completely out of whack. I went off that medicine right away and everything cleared up. It was that simple. I MAY have to have surgery to put in a device that catches blood clots so they don’t go to my heart or God forbid my brain, but we’ll see. I’m doiing so well I may not need it. Plus, I have this special bracelet from a business my mother is involved in called Amega that helps with circulation. I’ve worn the bracelet ever since I got sick and I think it really works. My dad gave me his. Well, I was feeling pretty good and his diabetes was acting up and I gave it back to him. Wouldn’t you know less than a week after I gave it back a blood clot formed in my right let?!?!?!? I immediately got another one and I haven’t had any more problems. In exactly 7 days will be the 1 year anniversary of when I got the news that my cancer was back. That day changed my whole life. July 13th my doctor called me on his vacation to tell me my cancer had returned in my lungs. I was actually in the car on my way to another doctor’s office. A little background: I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Dec 2005. After a right mastectomy in Jan 2006 and chemotherapy I was declared cancer free/in remission. The cancer came back in Dec 07 in my liver. I went through more chemotherapy but it wasn’t shrinking the tumor. My mother transfered me from that doctor to a doctor @ Texas Oncology West Plano . Her name is Dr. Nadita Rao. She saw that chemotherapy wasn’t working so she sent me to a doctor @ Downtown Baylor. His name is John O’Conner. He’s a radiologist. I did several rounds of radiation and was again declared cancer free. July 13th changed my life because not only did I find out the cancer had returned and was now in my lungs, I was told by Doctor O’Conner the cancer had also returned in my liver. I was stunned. It was a double whammy. I was for sure positive I was going to die. The cancer had now spread to multiple organs. People just don’t come back from that. I am blessed that I have the support of my family, friends and my now husband (he was my boyfriend at the time). They encourgaed me to keep up the fight and never get up. Without all these amazing people in my life I would not be here today. I would have given up my fight and let the cancer consume me until I expired. Seriously. It is very hard to keep fighting. Especially when it takes such an emotional and physical toll on your mind and body. I keep fighting for them. For my nieces who are my heart and soul. For my parents so they never experience the feeling of losing a child. Most of all I fight for my husband. We haven’t even been married a year. He always says “I don’t want to experience life without you.” With God’s help and modern medicine he won’t have to! 🙂

I’ve been holding out on writing for a specific reason…………..

I only had 3 chemo sessions left when I took my four-week break 2 weeks ago 5/17 (I do chemo 3 weeks straight and then I get a week off). My doctor started ordering tests to check on the progress (or lack there of) of my cancer. I had my PET SCAN, which detects cancer cells, my CAT SCAN which checks my abdomen/liver for abnormalities, and my MRI which looks specifically at the cancer that has spread to my liver. Some people wonder if I have liver cancer or lung cancer because my cancer had spread to both my lungs and my liver. The answer is no. I have breast cancer that has spread to other parts of my body. Due to chemotherapy, the cancer in my lungs cleared up. There is no evidence of cancer in my lungs. In November 2012 I was declared cancer free. There was no evidence of cancer in my body.  It was a true blessing. My family and I were THRILLED! In February or March the cancer was back in my liver. It is very small and it didn’t show up on the cancer specific PET SCAN. The only way it was detected was through a MRI of my abdomen. So I went through 9 more weeks of chemotherapy. Today my doctor and I went over the results. Today was my day. I had taken all the tests. I felt great. I’ve kept my weight down. Everyone who means anyone to me has prayed and prayed for me. I walked into my doctor’s office happy and confident. No more chemo for this gal! I was going to take a daily pill to keep my cancer at bay and this whole chemo/cancer thing would be a distant painful memory. PET SCAN looked GREAT! CAT SCAN looked GREAT! MRI,,,,,,,,,,,,,,umm we found something. What?!?!??! What?????????????? My doctor told me while most of the tumors (and there are a lot of small tumors on my liver) had shrunk because of the chemotherapy, two had actually grew. TWO! One grew 1 mm which my doctor was okay with because the growth was so small. The other grew like 3-4 mm. This was a cause of concern for him. He decided 3 more months of chemo. I was stunned! STUNNED!! I’m like “what did he just say???” I had planned on skipping out of that doctor’s appointment cancer free and most importantly chemo free. I ran into one of my chemo buddies this morning when I went to my CAT SCAN. She is done with chemo. She’s still doing radiation and a treatment called herceptin but she’s finished with the bad stuff. No more getting sick. Your hair gets to grow back. Your life finally comes back into view. I wanted that soooooooooooooo bad. I KNEW I was getting my happy ending and it started TODAY! Welp, that didn’t happen. I was completely devastated. I cried and cried. My wonderful mom was with me, thank God! She was strong and hopeful and full of faith. 12 more weeks of chemotherapy? When I first heard the news the first words out of my mouth were “NO!” I’ve done enough. I’ve had enough. It’s been almost a full year since I have started this rodeo and I am leaving the stadium. I can’t do it. I won’t. It’s so emotionally draining. I get so tired so easily. I don’t feel like a human being. I draw in my eyebrows like Mexicans in 1997-2001 (sorry guys but you know it’s true! :)) I have no hair and what I do have is splotchy and uneven. I JUST WANTED THIS TO BE OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! Alas, I digress. It isn’t over. It’s just starting all over again. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I walked through that tunnel all the way to the end and then had to turn around and start again at the beginning. Frustration doesn’t even to begin to portray how I feel. I take one step forward and three steps back. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t. I’m doing this for my husband and my family. I’m not doing this for me. I think I should just live my life and let God do the rest. Put everything in his hands. What will be will be. My family would be crushed if I made that choice. I can’t live for them but they don’t want to live without me. Oh what a tangled web we weave. So next Friday @ 1:00 I start the routine I’ve had on and off since 2006. Actually, if I want to be politically correct that would be since 94. I’m tired. I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m sad. Most of all I’m pissed off that I can’t seem to catch a break. Due to one little tumor that grew I’m going through 12 more weeks of HELL! Truthfully, the therapy isn’t that bad. I just want to look more like a woman than an alien. I HATE wearing head scarfs. That’s not true. I actually love my scarves and I have some seriously beautiful ones. I’m just fed up with being so darn disappointed and let down. We did get good news today. The cancer hasn’t spread anywhere else. I’m relatively healthy and I of course have my amazing husband, son, family and friends. I don’t mean to be Debbie Downer. I did just get the news today and I’m still reeling from the results. Please, please, please please keep me uplifted in prayer. I really need it. While I was steady discussing myself I forgot to add my dear and wonderful husband lost one of his good friends to random unnecessary violence last weekend. His friend and his friend’s brother were shot in a nightclub in Dallas. They are from Ruston, LA but moved to Dallas. Due to a very selfish and cruel individual two people who mean so much to so many have now been laid to rest for all eternity. Please pray for the Ferguson family for their unfathomable loss. This family will be burying their two brothers/sons/cousins/uncles, nephews,etc in a double casket funeral. It truly breaks my heart into a million little pieces and makes me so blessed and grateful for the life I do have. God Bless. Hug and Kiss the ones you love because you NEVER know when it will be your last! 🙂

Down But Not Yet Out,

Crystal

It’s Been A Sad Week! :(

As some of you may know, our dear Sister In Christ Fontella Nicole Davis passed away last Friday. I got the  news from my mom after I got off work. She told me it was all over facebook. I had actually signed out of my facebook account because I was helping a friend put pictures on his account. I usually check it on my lunch break (I know I’m obsessed and nosy) but because I had to sign all the way in I decided against it. I believe this was God protecting me through the rest of my day and allowing me to finish my shift. When I heard the news I went through a lot of emotions. Hurt, anger, disbelief, extreme sadness, wonder about my own mortality, and extreme loss. I met Fontella I believe in 2006. We met at a breast cancer conference in Houston. I kept calling her Fontana and she kept correcting me. Lol! Shonta was alive then. Shonta is another one of our sisters that was called to heaven too soon. She had breast cancer and she was doing very well for a while but then it came back with a vengeance. It eventually spread to her brain and she passed away. Fontella and I were diagnosed around the same time. I relapsed in 2008 and she relapsed a year later. I’m not going to lie I was jealous of her. Here I was going through chemotherapy and she was living her life cancer free. I resented my diagnosis and healthy survivors. Then she was rediagnosed and it was much worse than mine. It had already spread to her bones and some of her organs. She fought so hard. She fought till the very end. I called on one of my favorite people Sis. Joanne Rodgers for support and guidance. Whenever someone dies from breast cancer(and it seems like more and more people every day) I go to her. I call her and she talks me through the pain and confusion. What I lack in understanding she more than makes up in faith, love and comfort. She is a true blessing to me because she has been there. She understands the ups and downs. The ins and outs that someone who hasn’t experienced it doesn’t get. I have a wonderful support system. I am extremely blessed. Blessed beyond measure. Sometimes even I don’t understand how God’s goodness and mercy shines on me. Anyway, back to Sis. Rodgers, until you have lived it, gone through it, and fought for your life you will never understand. Sitting in the doctor’s office or wherever you are and hearing the words you never want to hear; cancer. Your blood runs cold and tears spring from your eyes. You are thinking about your own time line and all the things you have yet to do or experience. Having a friend who has had those exact emotions or very similiar makes you so grateful. I have a peace and a sense of calm that comes over me when I talk to her. She makes things okay. She tells me things I already know such as cancer is really a crap shoot (she doesn’t use those words………..she’s an ELDER’S WIFE!!!). You have to have a positive relationship with God and be ready. That is for anything. She always says we could walk off a curb and be hit by a bus and that is our way to go. Nothing to do with the cancer. The most important thing is to have God in your life. Fontella was so faithful. She is such an inspiration. She went to church every time the doors were open, unless she was feeling bad. She helped raise her nephews even though she was very sick from the chemotherapy. She never lost her faith in God and that is one of the most important things I have learned from her. She never blamed God for her illness or questioned his reasoning. Knowing Fontella was more than a blessing. It was divine intervention. She came into my life because everyone we knew with cancer was older and she was the only one near my age. Now, she was about 10 or 11 years older than me but that didn’t matter. She is amazing and I am so glad she is in no more pain or suffering. I was saddened to hear one of the reasons she moved back to Houston was because the doctor’s told her there was nothing they could do for her here in Dallas. They had given up on her but Fonz had not given up on herself. She went back to her howmetown and to one of the best cancer centers in America. She was given 2-2 1/2 more precious years of life. I didn’t talk to her as often once she left but we would catch up every month or month and a 1/2. The last time I spoke with her was via text message in February and the last time she heard my voice was when I sang her happy birthday in March. I miss her very much and there is a huge void in my life. The weird thing about life is it continues on. [OAN: I had chemo today and it went very well. My doctor is very happy and hopeful with my prognosis]. The most important lesson I have learned is to live every day as if it is your last. Always hug, kiss and love on the people in your life. Even strangers. You never know what just an acknowledgement will mean to someone. Also, love the Lord our God with all your heart. Never lean on your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path! God bless and much love! 🙂

Getting into my own groove!

I have been soooo irritable lately. It started yesterday. My poor husband. He’s been a wonderful man and so supportive. I just don’t want him around me. I don’t want anyone around me. I want to lay on my side of the bed ALONE. I’m not usually like that. I am the huggy, slightly inappropriate friend who will tell you she loves you a million times. Lol! With my husband I am constantly invading his personal space. It drives him nuts! I now know what that feels like. He’s trying to help but instead of helping I feel suffocated and surrounded. I’m not usually like this. My attitude came out of nowhere. Like I said it started yesterday. I know why I’m irritable today. I didn’t get any sleep last night. As I’m sure you all know (and if you didn’t now you do) a cancer patient needs to rest. Overdoing it can literally be the difference between recovering from chemo @ home to recovering in the hospital. I am constantly exhasted. I try to rest as much as I can but it can be difficult. Especially with work, my new responsibilities as a wife, trying to make time for my friends, my goddaughter,  and my nieces and nephew. Several friends I haven’t seen in a really long time. It isn’t that I don’t miss them because I do. My friends bring such diversity and personality to my lives. I love them each so much but for completely different reasons. Luckily for me they are married so they understand that “newlywed” phase. Heck, with their husbands they are still in a form of the newlywed stage. I have wonderful role models on how to make a marriage work while keeping yourself and your sanity. One of the things I had stopped doing was doing things without my husband. It’s usually just us and sometimes my stepson. However, I’ve read so many books about being a newly married couples and one of the most important steps they discuss is to still hang out with the girlfriends you had before you met your husband. Not only does it make you life more enriched than it could have ever been it’s healthy for you. That’s right ladies. I’m  saying hanging out with your girlfriends is very healthy and recommended. You want your significant other to miss you a little while you’re gone. I think every woman gets wrapped up the first couple of months of marriage. It’s that peak time where it’s just you and your honey and it’s bliss. I’m not going to lie. Marriage is definitely not easy. You both have to want and need to constantly work on the state of your marriage to keep it thriving and healthy. I am not a marriage counselor. I am only talking about my experience with the first 5 months of my marriage. Lol! Anyway, I am ridiculously tired so I am going to hit the hay and wake up as beautified as ever

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since my last post……………

So……………….it’s been over a month since my last post. I just finished round 5 of my treatments. Last week I had a bit of a setback. I was all ready to do my 5th round of chemotherapy when I hit a snag. Before each treatment they do blood work to make sure my body can handle the medicine. So I was waiting on my test results and treatment when I was informed my liver enzymes were 5x what they were the week before. My doctor was concerned so he decided to hold off on chemo for a week. Well, if you know me you know I am dramatic. Lol! I was devastated because I am ready for this to be over and done with. I had already had to skip a week of chemo due to my own mistake. I get a shot called Nulasta. I get it every 4th week (I go three weeks on one week off). Well I am supposed to get it the Monday after my 3rd treatment and I forgot. I instead got it on Tuesday and it threw me off my treatments for an entire week. So, instead of 1 week off I got 2 weeks off. I was NOT happy about that. Then this whole liver thing. I’m just ready to get it OVER AND DONE WITH!!! All these setbacks have honestly sucked! I’m trying to stay positive and have a good attitude but it’s definitely testing my faith and my patience. I cried when I couldn’t do chemo last week. It seemed like I was taking two steps forward and one step back. I just didn’t understand why this was happening to me. I’m sure you’re probably thinking “it’s only one week. What’s the big deal?” Well, when you are counting down the weeks until you are finished with treatment and your life can return to normal, any setback can be disheartening. Anyway, I went in this past Friday. My lab results looked great. My liver enzymes had gone back to normal and I was ready to resume treatments. My doctor figured the chemo was making my liver work harder because it gets rid of excess waste in your body. The week off helped my liver return to normal function. We all breathed a HUGE sigh of relief and treatment went off without a hitch. I am now going on week 6. That means after this upcoming Friday I will only have 6 weeks left. This is good. I’m almost over the hill and on the declining slope. The days following chemo I usually sit at home and relax. My brother Vaughn had a birthday party for my nephew (who turned 1 April 3rd) at Dave and Busters on Saturday. I went. It was a lot of fun and it was nice to meet Sean’s mom. I didn’t get a chance to stay long due to my husband being sick. It started on Friday and has continued during the weekend. He’s been a big baby. Lol! If you are my facebook friend I’ve discussed the issue further. He seems to be on the up and up and feeling better. I’ve been making sure he is drugged up and taking medicine regularly. He has to get better. We both can’t be sick. The horror! Ha ha! These past few weeks have been a struggle but with my wonderful husband, family and friends by my side it’s made it bearable. They continue to encourage and uplift me. My uncle and aunt came into town like two weeks ago from Minnesota. It was GREAT to see them. My aunt came into town just to see me. She’s so sweet and honestly the best. My other aunt and uncle and their daughter came over and we had so much fun talking and catching up. They hadn’t met my husband (my aunt and uncle from Minn) so it was nice of them to meet him. He’s WONDERFUL at first impressions. That’s why I don’t mind taking him places! 😉 My brother, Sean’s mom, Sean and my mom are getting ready to come over. They are getting ready to head back to Lubbock where they live. I will miss them but it’s exciting when they come to visit. I’m trying to think what else has happened in the month+ since my last post. I guess that’s it. I am so glad WordPress saves my work automatically because I accidentally pushed the wrong button and thought I had lost everything. I didn’t. My work was securely tucked away in a draft folder. Yay! I thought “I poured my heart out on my blog and now I’ve lost everything!” I didn’t!!! 🙂 Anyway, I better get ready for their visit. My house is a MESS but oh well. I just had chemo. Hopefully they’ll understand. I also need to check on the patient. I hope he hasn’t slipped into a coma or passed out. He can’t do ANYTHING without me. The life of a wife!

Hello World!!!

Well I had my second chemotherapy treatment yesterday. It wasn’t bad. There are two other women there that have chemo the same day and time that I do. I usually sit with them and listen to them compare notes about treatment, surgery (bi-lateral or double mastectomy), kids, family, etc. They have their husbands with them  at each treatment. I wish my husband could come. It’s so nice to have that support. My dad has offered to go with me. There are several people that have volunteered to come and sit with me and I politely decline. I drive myself there and home. That being said, the one person I want there can’t be there. He has to work and I get that. However, there is something very powerful, very reassuring about having the man you’ve pledged your life to before God being there. I want him there with me. Being my support system. My rock while they are pumping my body full of poison. It’s unrealistic. We don’t work we don’t eat. It’s just when I see them pulling out their food, picnic baskets full of fresh fruit, healthy drinks I get nostalgic and a little jealous. One of the women got cramps in her leg and her husband quickly massaged her legs and tried to make her as comfortable as possible. It was very very sweet. I guess if I got cramps one of the nurses would help me. Lol! Yesterday I met an incredible woman while I was taking treatment. She was from Italy. I told her I had been there and told her what cities I visited. She told me they were the basic tourist towns. Rome, Florence and Venice. She has ovarian cancer. It’s obviously not as prevalent as breast cancer. In fact, she told me she knew no one with ovarian cancer. I asked her a little about her experience and she told me she is in constant pain. Her stomach was very bloated. Almost like she was pregnant. She kept moving around because she could not get comfortable. I felt terrible for her. The nurses were trying to get and keep her as comfortable as possible. It was almost as if she has lost hope. That is one of my biggest fears. Losing hope. I hope I never get to that point. Sometimes aside from God it’s all we have to keep going in this cruel and sin filled world. OAN: My in-laws are in town. I love them to pieces and am very glad they are here. They always brighten up my day and my spirits. Well, I cleaned my house from top to bottom to get ready for their visit (they’re staying with us) and I am a bit tired. Don’t worry. I’m in bed and resting. Like an 80 year old woman! 🙂 Till next time. Kiss and hug your loved ones. Tell them how much you love and appreciate them. You never know if the last words you say to them will be the last words they hear from you forever! Bye!

My First Post

So this is my first post. I’ve been home all day. I had chemotherapy on Friday 2/15 and this  round has made me very very tired. I have no idea why. I guess the therapy is catching up with my body. This is my 5th go round with chemotherapy. It’s very trying on your mind, body and soul. I do the best I can with what I have but it’s difficult. Sometimes I seriously want to give up. Not just on my illness but life in general. I’m tired of always having bad news. The cancer has come back. The cancer has spread. More posion needs to go into your body to keep you alive. I feel like no one understands the trials and tribulations I go through. Truthfully, no one does understand. I think people underestimate life and how truly blessed they are. Especially if you are healthy. Life and health is taken for granted. People go through life every day and never think about the future or their immortality. I think about it daily. It’s constantly thrown in my face. I go to the doctor’s all the time. I haven’t been able to work due to my body literally failing me. I try to tell people please don’t take life for granted. Enjoy every moment you have with your spouse, family, friends, etc because you never know when it will be your last. I am newly married. My husband is wonderful but truth be told even he doesn’t understand the personal struggle I go through. To him it’s excuses. I do understand where he is coming from because sometimes I do use my illness as a crutch. It’s like the boy who cried wolf. It’s like I’ve cried wolf so many times when I do feel bad or feel like crap it’s hard to believe. It’s difficult. Marriage itself is difficult. Now put a debilitating potentially life threatening illness on top of that and imagine the weight it puts on our marriage. I love my husband and I love being married. I tell people it’s like having a built in best friend. I always have someone to come home to and someone to always have my back. He is literally the most important person in my life. I adore him. He is my everything. If he decided to leave tomorrow because he couldn’t handle the severity of my illness I wouldn’t blame him. When we said our vows I started crying when the judge said “in sickness and in health” because I had already been so sick. He saw me struggling for breath and not being able to lie down. I couldn’t breathe. I had to sleep upright and when I was in the hospital I slept on the food tray. That was the only way I could get comfortable and not feel as if every breath I took was in vain. I found that my heart was failing. I had heart failure. It was devastating. Eventually it was a blessing because I found out what was wrong with me. It wasn’t just the cancer invading my lungs. That was part of it but it was also my heart beating 3x what the normal bpm it should be. My heart was working so fast it was working itself to death. I was near death. My doctor told me when I first went in the hospital 7/13/12 and subsequent weeks after that he gave me 8-12 months to live. I am a strong woman. I am a fighter. My husband and my family especially my girls give me reason to fight. When Alivia saw me in the hospital the first time she was so sad I burst into tears. My mom thought it would help me and give me cheer but instead it was heartbreaking. I love them with all my heart. I am so happy that I have those two little girls to keep me going. Alivia has been with me since I relapsed in 2005. I found out Montoya was pregnant when I was going through chemo. When she was born I was living in Austin and when I met her @ one week old I knew I would love her forever. When I relapsed in 2008 my mom was keeping her and she would come to chemo with me, stand in the doorway to the chemo room and cry because she couldn’t phsyically be with me. She’s the best. Natallie is an extraordinary little girl with the biggest dimples and a true rebel. She’s always making us laugh with her bad self. They are fantastic. I adore them both. Alivia Jae Leanette Rainey and Natallie Jade Rainey. The best girls in the world. I think this is a good place to stop. I’m tired but grateful to this blog and the people who read it. 🙂